Three brave representatives of the Welsh Over-50s squash squad (two men and one over 50 lady) embarked on what can only be described as an endurance event disguised as travel. The meeting was at Bangor train station but before that a parking place in an untried and tested location was sought out. Let’s just say the three hoped that Bangor University had not bought any wheel clamps of late. The next task was departing Bangor at the deeply unreasonable hour of 5:31am enroute to Aberdeen. While officially this was a squash fixture, in reality it became a test of stamina, patience, and the structural integrity of our rail network which was promptly described by an insider as ‘hanging by a thread’, ‘run on a shoestring’ and consisting of the ‘cheapest possible solutions applied consistently’. At least the coffee from the buffet car is better than it ever has the right to be.
The journey began in near darkness, with the trio assembling in a state best described as “awake in theory.” Barrell was lugging what can best be described as the biggest bag that any sports company makes plus a suit carrier which was treated with some degree of worship and reverence. Double D had an assortment of bags of different shapes and sizes slung over whatever arm was free. Helen took the sensible approach with a wheeled suitcase and racket bag.
The platform atmosphere was quiet, save for the distant hum of regret from choosing a sport that requires such commitment.
Once aboard the train, seating arrangements were negotiated with the seriousness of a Davis Cup doubles pairing. There needs to be space for people and bags and then ten minutes into the journey Barrell pulls a laptop out of his bag like a magician bringing forth a rabbit and proceeds to complete the earliest lesson plan he had ever attempted. Helen and Dylan chose some quiet moments to reflect their life choices.
6am lesson plan!
A change at Warrington meant that allocated seats were to be had. Finding the allotted seats also discovered another member of the travelling party, JD, waiting for them.
Following a few greetings, we settled into our seats when we were joined by an attractive young lady who was clearly intending to spend the journey reading her book (for her book club) in peace. She had the unfortunate fate to land a seat next to JD. Perhaps sensing an opportunity for cultural exchange (or mischief), JD then opened proceedings with a barrage of words that can only be described as a one-sided conversation masterclass.
JD opened confidently, deploying a range of conversational gambits including:
- “That looks like a good book… is it about trains?”
- “I used to read good, before squash took over my life.”
- And the bold, if slightly puzzling, “Where are you going to?”
The young lady, demonstrating remarkable composure and advanced defensive skills, responded primarily with polite nods and the strategic turning of pages. At one point, she achieved a rally-ending move by putting in earphones- an unforced error JD seemed unwilling to acknowledge.
Meanwhile, the other two team members observed this unfolding drama with the quiet fascination of spectators at a particularly awkward public execution, offering occasional whispered commentary and awarding imaginary points for persistence.
As the journey progressed northward, dubious bacon rolls were eaten and discussions turned to tactics for the upcoming matches—though these were frequently interrupted by updates on JD’s ongoing campaign, which by mid-journey had entered what analysts might call “a rebuilding phase.”
Arrival in Edinburgh was met with a mixture of relief and mild disbelief for the young lady in question as she alighted to meet her boyfriend for the weekend. JD must have made some ground as she did promise to find us on the way home as we had all booked the same train!
Against the odds, and another two and a half hours later, all three made it to Aberdeen, luggage intact, dignity mostly preserved, and JD perhaps slightly wiser- though not enough to rule out a repeat performance on the return leg.
The squash itself, while technically the reason for the trip, felt almost secondary to the true victory: surviving the 5:31am departure and the psychological marathon of British rail travel.
Following a swift taxi ride and bag drop off at the Spires it was over to the refurbished and very welcoming Aberdeen squash club where we hoped that Chris (who had travelled up the night before and already scoped out several of the local inns and taverns plus several houses of ill repute including the infamous Howff) would actually be there.
A further far fetched hope was that PJ would actually arrive in time for the match as he has a habit of not doing so until the last minute. However, it was all perfectly fine and the match against Scotland was on!
JD and Chris ready to go!
To be fair we had high hopes against Scotland but the Scottish had other plans.
First on court was PJ and after only been given the all clear this week to play after his knee operation, he was a bit rusty to say the least. His opponent, Scott Adams, was fully fit and although a tight run affair, with PJ taking the first game, the Scottish lad was to win 3-1.
Second on court was Chris against Jack Thompson. Chris was narrowly edged out in the first and so unlucky to lose the tie break in the second however this meant he went down 3-0.
Third on court was JD vs Simon Boughton. Boughton can only be described as a squash sleeper. If he was a car he’d be an unassuming Kia Rio with a 6 litre engine and suspension set up by Lotus. JD stole the third game but was eventually to lose 3-1.
Fourth on court was Dylan against Ken McNamara. Dylan took the first game by storm ignoring the early start and travel however slowly and bit by bit Ken chipped away at double D’s lead to win 3-1.
Fifth on court was Paul against Adrian Richmond. Narrowly losing the first and then stealing the third, Barrell looked as if he could make five games here but it wasn’t to be and Adrian won 3-1.
So with no points to show for their considerable efforts the Welsh team re grouped in the pleasant surroundings of the Aberdeen squash club bar to talk some tactics for tomorrow.
Of course I can’t divulge these tactics and enough can be said that an earlyish night was declared and the members made their way back to their rooms.
The first order of Saturday morning was breakfast. Going across the road from the Spires to the Connect cafe was a great idea and fuelled up with sausages and egg the team assembled for the morning’s game against Ireland. We certainly did not expect to be piped into the club with a rousing rendition of ‘Mae Hen Wlad fy Nhadau’!
With Derek Ryan resting this morning following his monster game to defeat Ali Coker of England yesterday evening there could be a glimmer of hope from the Irish team all having to move up a place. Hope indeed.
First on court was PJ against Dave Riordan. PJ was out of the traps like a greyhound, belying his challenged fitness, taking the first and second games. Dave then mounted a sustained attack on our hero to snatch it from PJ by 3-2. There needs to be a caveat inserted here about PJ. He appears to be the nicest guy you’ll ever meet but his dark side emerged this game with a perfectly drilled forehand into his opponent’s leg. The whack was audible as to a player everyone whispered ‘Ohhhh’ in unison. The evidence is hard to refute. PJ is now to be known as Danger Man. Don’t let the strange lop sided smile or the ever present simple look on his face fool you- he’ll drill you without remorse.
Proof that PJ isn’t such a nice guy!
Next on court was Chris against Vincent Pippet. An old campaigner, Vincent produced some great squash against an uncharacteristically downbeat Chris. Taking the second game and taking the last to 15-13 meant Chris was ‘an almost’ but eventually lost 3-1.
Next up was JD against Dave Ayerst. Not as fit as last year, by his own admission, JD took the second game and made the third and fourth a real close run thing. In the end though it was the strange racket action of Dave (where the hell is he aiming for?) that came through to win 3-1.
Next up was Dylan against Handsome John Hurley. The two big men thrashed it around for a while with Dylan taking the second game however it was the Irishman who was to win through 3-1 in the end with some classy squash and great movement.
Last on court was Barrell against Rob Staunton. Rob had been brought in as replacement for an injured Neal Murphy. Barrell amazingly took the first game and was 7-1 up in the second only for Rob to chip away at his lead and take the second, third and fourth to snatch victory 3-1.
Following lunch, it was only the English to play.
The line up was PJ vs Wayne Beglan, Chris vs Matt Stephenson, JD vs Ali Coker, Dylan vs Mark Davies and Barrell vs Paul Boyle. Suffice to say we all lost 3-0 against that strong English line up and, apart from JD and PJ, were never in a real position to win any games.
So having finished the matches fairly early there was time to watch a few of the other games going on and an early change into the evening’s attire was next.
Aberdeen squash club put on a great evening meal for us and with Chris leading the charge with ‘five pints of the unpronounceable please’ a good evening was in full swing.
Adopting Derek Ryan from Ireland, the Welsh Over 50 Men’s table was the place to be, visited by all and sundry as the evening went on including such glitterati as the lovely Suzy o’ Shaunessey and the regal and statesmanlike Sir Tony Bevan.
In fact, never has a table been so assembled where the question ‘So has everyone sitting here been divorced?’ prompted so many great stories!
To tell the truth the Welsh Over-50 Men’s Squash Team had intended a quiet evening after their matches, but plans shifted the moment someone suggested a nightclub. The person was definitely Chris and this was seconded extremely quickly by JD. Dressed in far too smart attire and with PJ rocking his best ‘I only borrowed this suit because my other makes me look like a dead guy’ look, the brave explorers jumped in two taxis and headed towards town. One taxi went straight to a venue that can probably be best described as a youth club and the other went via Chris’ hotel to drop off his things. What then followed for Chris, Barrell and PJ was a major hike across Aberdeen town ignoring all the cool bars and pubs that Chris had sampled the night before. Poor PJ and his sore knee were in some discomfort and at one point Barrell and Chris thought it best to carry him aloft like some sort of Egyptian Pharoah. When they eventually arrived the pounding music and flashing lights felt a world away from the squash courts especially as the court attire was distinctly lacking in quantity! Those Aberdeen girls (and muscle T shirt clad boys) are hardy species!
At first and following the arrival of several more of the squash playing family we all all huddled awkwardly near the bar, laughing at the events of the weekend and especially PJ’s act of violence, but things loosened quickly. Once all the squash playing groups recognised each other from earlier matches, long drinks began arriving at a rate of knots. Then came the shots- round after round- generously supplied by Adrian Richmond, who seemed on some mad quest to get everyone downing Baby Guiness or some other potent mix.
The mood lifted further as the team embraced the absurdity of it all, some even attempting to dance. And once you’ve seen Double D’s dance face you’ll never forget it. But the night took a sharp turn when a fight broke out across the floor- two men shoving, then swinging, and a third doing what looked more like dusting shelves. Then security rushed in pushing all and sundry aside as the crowd scattered. The team watched wide-eyed, half-concerned, half-fascinated and just went on with the evening.
So apart from a taxi ride home, once JD failed to find a greasy kebab to take the edge off his hunger, the story of the night was told. On arrival to the Spires, Barrell and Dave Ayerst from the Irish team found an after hours cocktail party going on with incredibly sweet snacks and potent cocktails being mixed by none other than Simon Boughton and Scott Adams! The less said about that probably the better.
Sunday morning was a bit of a blur but punctuated nicely with a visit to Frankie and Benny’s for a good breakfast and then it was back on the train.
If you remember from our first train journey, the attractive young lady did indeed find the travelling team on the return journey from Edinburgh. Looking slightly tired as if she hadn’t slept much all weekend there wasn’t much conversation to be had from two rows of seats away and I’m sure she was happy that JD was indeed a bit worse for wear himself.
JD travelled to Crewe and then one change later Dylan, Barrell and Helen arrived at Bangor, two days and a lot of miles later. The only question was had Bangor University car park bought some wheel clamps? As fortune would have it there were no wheel clamps (or tickets for that matter) to be seen and cars were able to be driven away without hindrance.
So how can we sum up this weekend of squash for the Welsh Over 50 Men’s team? Well, it was a lot of fun and good sport played in a great atmosphere of friendly though competitive spirit. It took a lot of effort to get to Aberdeen and while there each man covered many corners of many squash courts. It involved some alcohol, some corny one liners, some good food, some old friends and a lot of team hwyl.
It was a pleasure to captain this band of rogues and reprobates to Aberdeen.
We didn’t come away with any team honours (save for persistence and probably the team social award) but one thing is for sure we always show up and we always represent Cymru with pride! And sometimes, just sometimes, we drill our opponents without warning.
Until next time Robert!
