Ah Nottingham. You have to love a trip to Nottingham. A lovely venue full of fantastic houses, polite people, grand gardens, the occasional youth, the common tramp, buckets of sweat, loads of tears, some blood and grime, plenty of dust and dirt and spit and more sweat. Ah Nottingham. Gotta love it.
The Over 50 Welsh Men’s team that assembled in the hallowed ground of Nottingham SRC in The Park had been collected from far and wide in Wales. The Northern contingent from the east and west respectively were Jon Davies and Paul Barrell. The Southern contingent were comprised of Adam Evans (more easterly) and Richard Tailby and Chris Powell (a bit more central).
Our newbie this year was Chris who in time honoured tradition was the ‘surplus kit buyer’ of the year taking the mantle from Phil who bought so much kit last year he needed a wheeled suitcase to carry it all (see last year’s report for more detail). Although Chris had not actually bought as much as previous newbies his four shirts, four shorts, two tracksuits and a women’s vest top was a hefty haul.
JD and Barrell had travelled over together from the land of the Gogs and were still recounting tales of past glories, messy nights out before playing semi finals (including one of them being left sleeping on a sofa in a rather swanky night club) and tales of love lost and won when they arrived at the club. Adam had arrived earlier having taken the first class train from the ‘Port earlier that day. Accustomed to the fine things in life Evo had already dismissed his man servant by the time we all gathered and was busy schmoozing with the glitterati. Tailby had driven himself over to the venue with the full intention of leaving on Saturday after the matches were over to travel to London as support for his wife who was running the London Marathon (see further details in this report of how well that went). Powell also brought his own car so that he could use the whole back seat to carry his kit and didn’t really have room for anyone else. On the way he was able to listen to his Enid Blyton stories his favourite being The Magic Faraway Tree. Chris told me he always loved to hear about how Jo, Bessie and Fanny take their cousin Rick on an adventure he’ll never forget and how they meet Moon- Face, Silky the Fairy and the Saucepan Man and visit all the lands at the top of the Faraway Tree. Cording was able to get a lift with the Over 65 Men’s Team which was a good move because last year he took the train (in second class of course) and ended up getting lost in the wilds of the Park (see last year’s report). On the way he kept the team regaled with blatant lies about his sporting prowess, his love life and anything that can be measured.
The team was selected, seemingly at random, by Captain Barrell who decided to drop Tailby like a soiled dishcloth for the first match. Henceforth we started the first match on the showcourt, number 10, against England. It was lucky that some un named members of the team noticed the matches were being live streamed and dis continued the bad mouthing of various members of Cardiff and Rhiwbina Squash club. Imagine if that had been recorded on the live stream!
First up was new boy Powell against Chris Lynam. The first game was a close call and the third game actually fell to Chris and we had hopes of a fifth game. The English lad came out strong in the fourth however to beat Powell 3-1.
Next up was Barrell against a strangely ranked Wayne Began. It was safe to say Barrell (with a suspected ear infection) never hit his stride and was closed out 3-0 by the Englishman.
The number one slot was next which saw JD against Paul Boyle of British closed fame. With JD hunting the ball and crashing hurtful lengths the Englishman had nowhere to hide. JD pulled off a minor miracle and emerged the clear winner, with a splendid 3-0 win.
The fourth match on was Cording against Adam Dominey. In a game that mirrored Powell’s in many ways, Cording took the third game and it looked like a revival was in progress. Once again the English lad came out strong in the fourth and won it 3-1 in the end.
Last on court to play the dead rubber was Evo against Matthew Stevenson. In a study of accuracy and some tiny elements of deception, Evo (despite being told there would be no strokes on the backhand this weekend) took the match 3-1. A great win.
So the final score was 3-2 to England. We hadn’t thought that we would do so well against England which prompted Tailby to point out to Barrell several times ‘Dropping me was a huge mistake you tosser’. Insults aside, even though it was disappointing to lose by such a small margin there was a lot of hope for the coming matches.
We were saddened to hear that Richard Campbell from the Scotland Over 50 team had been taken unwell during his match and been taken to hospital. Our thoughts are with him and his family and our best wishes are sent for a speedy recovery.
Following a swift shower and change the team convened in the bar for a well- earned drink of whatever cans were on offer (this evening it appeared to be a rather inviting Madri that was the popular choice) and a feed on some pretty good curry.
Then it was time to say our farewells to Evo who in his true first class style refused to slum it with the rest of us in the cheap seats and had booked himself into the Mariott Penthouse. Taking his pre booked limousine he waved us goodbye safe in the knowledge his suite, jacuzzi, private balcony and personal chef would be waiting to greet him on arrival.
Leaving some gear in the car we all walked over to the hotel, definitely not taking the route that Rhian suggested last year (see last year’s report). On arrival at the hotel some of the team discovered they had left fairly essential items like a toothbrush and spare pants behind in the car. Not to worry though you can always turn your pants inside out. Now last year (see last year’s report) the Over 45s team were disappointed to note the porn star lift lights had disappeared. Well I am happy to report they are back (only in one lift though) in all their 1970s soft focus and wide angle glory! The St James’ Hotel rises to the top of its game once more!
Down at the bar we encountered some of the older teams and the Irish Over 50s who, to a man were drinking their non alcoholic beverages through straws like some sort of prep school day trippers. Feeling vaguely embarrassed it was decided that we would have a swift drink (which may or may not have turned out to be that swift) and head to bed in readiness for the big day tomorrow.
Following a night of various qualities of sleep and at various times the Welsh players headed for breakfast. Obviously this didn’t include Evo who was probably finishing his second round of caviar from a gilt chalice the same time we met up for a greasy fry. The only player to make even a half decent attempt at breakfast was Cording as he wasn’t playing until this afternoon.
Powell had already headed over to the club to start his warm up and stretching routine some hours earlier and he was joined by the rest of us a little while later.
With the team order submitted we went down to the court only to notice we were one player short. Not a short player, as Tailby was definitely with us, but a player short. Where indeed was Evo? ‘Probably getting a massage and a facial’ came the reply and with that in he walked with a glow of a man who had just been treated to a night at the Ritz and a full spa experience. Such glamour. Such largess.
Anyway the match against the Irish went like this:
First on court against the Spaniard (sorry- Irishman) David Buxonat was Powell. Chris promptly lost the first and then found his A game taking the next three games (including one really close one at 12-10) to run out a 3-1 win. Well done Powell. The match was very much on!
Next on court was Barrell against Handsome John Hurley. The first game was won by Barrell, the second by John, the third by Barrell and the fourth by John setting up a decider. Unfortunately for us John stepped up in the fifth and took it 3-2.
Then JD was up against Englishman (sorry Irishman) David Ayerst. An ex British Closed Masters winner David was always going to be a tough opponent. JD took the second game in a great 12-10 finish but was to be defeated 3-1 in the end.
Fourth on court was Richard Tailby against Neal Murphy. Now fully recovered from injury Neal took the match squarely to Tailby and despite a close and tense first game, Richard was to lose 3-1.
With only the dead rubber to play our very own Hugh ‘Evo’ Heffner got on court against Dara O Flynn. Dara is well known for his long match heroics but wasn’t given the chance as Evo skilfully closed out the match in a manner much akin to his glorious victory last night by 3 games to 0. So far that makes two matches and two wins for Evo who accepted the win in his usual humble style.
With the closing of Evo’s match (and a bit before if I am honest) it was time to head back to the bar for non alcoholic drinks (just like the Irish team last night) and some buffet lunch.
Our final match up was against Scotland. This was the win we needed.
Cording (still probably digesting his big breakfast) was up first against John Kynoch. Phil had been disappointed with his performance on Friday and turned his whole weekend around, winning his match 3-1. Of worthy note is the third game that saw Cording keep his resolve and focus to win 15-13.
Next up was Barrell against Tim Herron. It is safe to say that Barrell, still suffering with glue ear (or is that big ear?) never really got anywhere near his opponent and lost 3-0.
Then it was JD’s turn on court against Simon ‘The Wizard’ Boughton. It is rumoured that Simon can assasinate a fruit fly at the back of the court with a squash ball 98.4% of the time if he decides to do so. True story. In a tough match JD lost 3-0 with the last game being the best at 13-11 to Simon.
With the match still alive but hanging dangerously by a very thin thread Tailby stepped on court against Scott Adams. Tailby took the first game and held out a branch of hope to the ailing Welsh team but had it cruelly snatched away by Scott as Tailby fought well but lost 3-1 in the end.
Last man once again to contest the dead rubber was Adam ‘Playboy’ Evans. With a two out of two record so far he had very little to prove but did so anyway. In a great match against Keith Simpson which went all the way to 13-11 in the fifth Evo ran out the winner 3-2 despite confessing he was close to death at one point and was just going to ‘crash nicks’.
After a good soaping in the shower and another visit to the bar, we were told there was an offer on the beer. Unfortunately, with time not on our side and Evo with a lot of preening to do we had to politely decline and head back to the hotel.
This time we were led (a little bit like last year but without the horrendous detour) by Rhian, Jill and Helen from the ladies team back to the St James’ Hotel to change into the smart dress required for the evening do.
Once again Cording pulled out the Welsh regalia and looked resplendent in his official tie and cufflinks. Barrell donned his best pair of Cuban heels, JD brought his best interview suit, Chris pulled on a smart shirt and Evo got his best trousers out. Tailby, true to form, turned up in jeans.
Once the table seating had been arranged it became apparent that Wales had seven members of the Over 50s team placed for dinner. Seven? When did that happen? We had been joined by the gallant and refined Marcus Thomas, keen to lend his support as ever and keen to ensure we all had a good night out. In fact, Marcus joined on at our table and Tailby was promoted to the Over 65 table.
What followed was the usual rather tidy meal and the ever present quest (aptly facilitated by Marcus) to gain more wine for the table.
A highlight of the speeches was poor Joss Hargrave being shot down for an inaccuracy in his rhetoric. In a scene like something out of Monty Python’s Life of Brian instead of ‘What have the Romans ever done for us?’ it was ‘When have we beaten the English?’ and thankfully there were plenty of occasions to cite.
Following the closing of the night at the hotel it was suggested that the squash party head off to a venue just around the corner called the ‘Bier Keller’. So dutifully off we went to said establishment to be greeted by and followed by several of the other teams including the older men who I am told had a great time.
The inside of the venue was a bit damp and sweaty (and the other clientele quite a bit younger than us lot) but that didn’t stop the whole team from dancing and singing out loud on the benches (which is allowed but dancing on the tables is very much not) until the very small hours.
All that was left to do then was have a little sleep, a big breakfast and return back the way in which we came to God’s own country. Except Tailby who had to get up early and go to London to support his wife bravely running the London marathon this morning. He did manage to get a short clip of his wife running alongside Big Bird and two Umpa Loompas.
To put a final few words on paper (or on screen) about our weekend I would offer this elucidation. We were up against a strong set of opponents but to lose each match 3-2 and come within one game of turning Ireland over and one match each of turning both England and Scotland over I think we did ourselves proud. Evo worked out that it was the closest loss by any team even though we came last. One more match won in every session would have meant we would have won the event! Which obviously we didn’t but it’s a grand thought anyway.
It has been a pleasure being your captain this weekend fellas. I think we nailed it as a team and if some of the photos are anything to go by a great weekend was had by all of us. Thanks, JD as always for your friendship and counsel and well done Evo for your glorious, nay, resplendent wins and humorous presence. Great effort from Chris this weekend as our newbie and confidence coach and Rich for the top effort and top team talks as usual. Last thanks go to Cording for leading the charge at squash and to the bar!
Till next time!
Paul Barrell.
Over 50s Captain.
